Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Rainy Tuesday - Filling In the Gaps

I find that since Mom died (still hard to even write that let alone say it) there are these gaps that I am trying to fill in... spaces in my heart that miss her. I know on one level that she will always be with me yet I want to hug her and to talk to her in person, I want to see her facial expressions and hear her responses... I want to smell her beautiful scent that permeated everything she wore (even her purses had that good smell!).

I know that all of us in the family are all coping and thankfully reaching out to each other which is so very good. I love all my sisters, my nieces and nephews... we all carry a part of her.

It was a gray, mostly rainy day - the boys and I spent it quietly. I still have that lingering cold so I tried to rest when I could. I have been texting lately which I haven't done since Isaac was a baby...a good way to keep in touch and feel connected.

On that note, my sister Laurie texted me last night to say that we were going to have a full moon ceremony for Mom at the beach...it was beautiful and quietly powerful. Afterwards, Laurie and I offered some of our hair (with tobacco) to the fire in honor of our Mother. After the other women (and Dain) left the beach, Laurie, Tony and I reminisced in the car...

Yesterday I made a card which didn't turn out as planned but I still like it. Forgive the quality ( I took it with my cell phone). This is made from a paper collection that I bought - it reminded me of Mom plus it has one of the flower brads that I bought for her card (posted a pic yesterday). Used some EK Success paper punches too:

Purple Hello Card

Love and peace to all!!

Monday, July 22, 2013

A Legacy of Love - A New Journey for Mom

My Mom, Marilyn Katherine Nicholas, mother of 8 children, passed away last Monday, July 15th, 2013. I mentioned in previous posts that she was receiving medical treatment. Mom had stage 3 lung cancer that had spread to her lymph nodes. She was undergoing radiation treatments. Despite this fact, I was shocked that she died and truthfully, I am still in a state of shock.

On Monday morning, I spoke to my Dad and my sister, Laurie who were with her in St. John, N.B. They told me that she had a hard night and that she was having trouble breathing and was going to have tests to see why. In the afternoon, I called Laurie again who said that they did the tests and the Dr. still didn't know why (turns out it was her heart). Shortly after, Laurie called back crying to say the doctor had said that if family were going to come that they should come now. We packed up, got the boys ready to go and Laurie called back sobbing and said "she didn't make it, Sheen" ....

I wonder, how do you live life without your Mom? As I cry my tears, the sadness feels so heavy. I think a part of me still expects to see her.

Things Mom taught me: to love family, to take care of each other, forgive each other and not to hold a grudge. To take care of yourself: "you don't have anything if you don't have your health". To tell the truth ("it's true though"). To let things go: anger and resentment only hurt you. To ask for help if you need it but not ask too much (don't "put" anyone out). To recognize that children have a unique status in life - they are special and should be treated that way (she said that there's no such thing as "spoiling" a child and if a child misbehaved the parent was to blame, not the child). She always said that the mind was the strongest muscle we have (for e.g. she'd say "I don't believe in headaches").

The past 7 days have been a blur but I deliberately payed attention during her funeral. She would have liked the words said during it, she would have liked the songs, the length too (she didn't like funerals that "dragged on"). The thing is, she was with us during it and she still is.

So many things I would have done differently when I look back....god, the regrets can kill me. Yet, I know in my heart that she loved me, we confided in each other and we always wanted the best for each other. One time Kiew-nik told me that no one would ever care about us like Mommom (that's what we called her) and he is right: Mom loved her family, we were her world, she loved so fiercely and she was "true blue" to us and to her husband, Andrew Nicholas Jr. (Dad).

She was the best and I ask to be half the woman she was. Beautiful. Graceful. Elegant. Stylish. Loyal. Determined. Loving. Funny. Good-hearted. She never faked who she was. She never had to be more than who she was. She was there for me, for all of us, our whole lives.

Wol-i-won Mom ... you loved us all, you loved us well - the only way you knew how to love was with your whole heart.

Marilyn Katherine Nicholas
January 18, 1936 - July 15, 2013

Mom looking at me (Holding Ethan at his Baby Shower)

A Card I Made For My Mom (Made Yesterday)